I’ve been exploring my relationship to anger. To my dismay, I recently got into one of those screaming match sessions with a loved one. I could feel the rising energy coming from my gut area up to my throat leading to the explosion.
I could watch myself go at it, knowing very well that it wouldn’t lead to actually being heard or seen by the other person. Still, I couldn’t stop it...
Clean anger? That wasn’t an example of it for sure!! What is clean anger and how can we develop it? Most of us don’t have a healthy relationship to anger, or even a relationship to it to begin with. We were taught, to either repress it because is wrong or we were exposed to displays of anger in all kinds of destructive ways.
Clean anger feels like a shaft of clear energy that moves through us and comes out of our throats, translated into words that don’t blame anybody but assert how we feel about a certain situation and how we want it to stop or we will safely remove ourselves from it. Clean anger is without projections, is has the quality of firmness. We can feel deeply seated in our belly while we communicate. It’s in the quality of what it’s aimed at. The aim of clean anger is not to hurt the other but to express our truth. It’s in the quality of our breath, deep and at a balanced speed. It’s in the quality of or presence and our essence being communicated.
In my personal situation, I have been exposed to the destructive untamed displays of anger in my family of origin, so going to that circuit is easy, it’s what I’ve known my entire life. As I’ve grown and developed, I started to look deeply at my relationship to my own anger. Healing it has been a work in progress. Those circuits are so ingrained in our bodies, so deeply imprinted. It takes a lot of work to undo and replace them.
As I seat here today in the aftermath of my screaming session, feelings of guilt and sadness fill my soul. I’ve been on the spiritual/personal development path for a long time yet I still act in such ways? How could I be so hurtful? Shame and feelings of inadequacy rush in... how can I help anybody when I’m not totally healed myself? As I look deeply to the answers for this, the word expectation comes to me.
The expectation that I have to be perfect myself to be up to the task to help others. The expectation that being on this path will somehow forever vanish my shadow side.
Acceptance of my own humanity, of my own shortcomings don’t always come easy. Can I really forgive myself? Can I accept the whole dimension of my humanity as it is at the moment while striving to do better next time? There will be a next time for sure!!
Like my teacher used to say, the beauty and the beast both forever dancing within us. Welcoming all of those parts of ourselves and breathing them into wholeness.
Blessings and Happy Journey!!
Photo credit: Rennett Stowe